New adventure?

Going where God is leading

Why did Jesus have to pick up that heavy cross and walk to Calvary to die for us?

Why does God allow loved ones to get sick and die?

Couldn’t there have been another way?

As we begin Lent, I am picking up what some would call a heavy cross. It’s more, though, it’s a time of sacrifice and surrender, where I can choose to die more to myself in these next forty days. And once it is over, new life will begin. And I believe new life will be found in me, too, whether literally it’s the next forty days or the forty after; I am choosing to pick up this cross and follow Christ. Because I know He will help me carry it. Let me explain why.

I’ve thought a lot about the dying of my loved ones - mom, dad, my husband Benny, my sister-in-law Mary, my brother Dan, and two little unborn babies. There are also many extended family, friends, and their loved ones. God knew the day and time for each of them - yet I wonder, was this really the best time in their life to leave this world? Some were young and hardly had time to live! So hard to understand.

But I’ve learned in this waiting and hoping for my illness to get better that I am not in control. The doctors do what they can, and we cooperate with them. But God knows when, where, and how we will each be called to answer Him.

I think God allows sickness and death to refine our souls. It’s a time for less self-reliance and more turning toward Him, relinquishing pride, learning humility, and repenting of our petty (or big) sins that jab and poke at His Son’s Sacred Heart. The past months have indeed spelled this out - word for word.

Only seventeen months ago, I was told I had three to five years to live. I was shocked over this diagnosis - this sentence - seemingly like a death sentence. I denied it could be true and sought out another doctor. The next one gave me hope it could reversed, and with medicine, for the next nine months, I held onto those thoughts, trying different avenues, living in denial of what the first doctor said.

But the days when I felt better could be counted on my hands, and there were more days I felt worse. Six months ago in September, 2023, I no longer believed my doctor was bringing me to healing, and I sought out another. I went to the Mayo Clinic, wanting the whole truth. I received a similar but new diagnosis with the same outcome as the first. They called it Hypersensitivity Pneumonitis, leading to Pulmonary Fibrosis and scarring of the lungs. It was irreversible. They had no idea why it occurred, but Covid in July 2022 exasperated it to become wildly active and progressive.

However, this time, a new option was presented. I thought it would be at least two years before I would have to take what they offered, but I faced its reality within two months. A lung transplant was now on the table to consider. It doesn’t come with a cure, easy surgery, or simple life afterward. But it could give me a greater quality and length of life. Trusting that God would bring me through this major surgery, I said yes.

I struggled with why one person lives and another dies and how donors give to strangers what kept them alive despite their body breaking down. My body is breaking down too, so I asked God, why offer me the opportunity for extended life and not them? Why shouldn’t they live and keep their organs? I will have to adjust my life to accept them, and my body may reject them anytime in the years ahead. So why not just take me and let them live?

He answered me while I was in a conversation and time of prayer with author, radio and EWTN TV personality Johnnette Williams. She helped me to see that we don’t get to determine who lives or dies. No one chooses cancer, heart, lung, or kidney disease, Alzheimer’s, Covid, car accidents, shooters, or a million other ways people die. Medicines can help us recover - but not 100% of the time. We may fight to survive and do everything we can, but it’s out of our hands. We either survive or die by God’s grace.

Risks, percentages, mortality rates - doctors give us the numbers we have to juggle and gamble with whether the body can make it, or when it will give up. Even those who choose suicide are gambling whether they will die or somehow pull through. God allows some of these poor souls to die and others to survive. Why? Just another point that we are not in control. He knows what is best for us. I trust in this because every one of us will die one day. When and how we cannot know - or should want to know.

Yes, this is difficult to believe when it’s your child, brother, sister, parent or friend. We cry to God and ask how, how could this be the best time for them to go? I don’t think we’ll hear that answer until it is our time to stand before Him.

Such a short time to process this huge turn of events in my life that I did not see coming. But God allowed it. He has shown me this through many loving friends and family who have rallied to my side with prayers, novenas, relics, holy oils, cards, gifts, lit candles, masses offered, sacrifices, and good conversations. He will give me all I need, and has already with the love of these special people who love and pray for me.

I am officially on the lung transplant list! Our small bag is packed, and my sister and I wait for a call - day or night - to be at the hospital within the hour. This again enables me to trust in His plan. I pray in earnest every day for my upcoming donor - this generous person and family who will give me lungs as other parts of their body shut down. I know without a doubt God will send me these perfect lungs; if not, prepare me for my last days before I go to Him. So far, He has opened up doors very quickly to receive lungs. I pray now, Jesus, I trust in you, for both of us.

Releasing control and surrendering to His will fills me with His grace. Psalm 118:17 says, “I shall not die, but I shall live, and recount the deed of the Lord.” I am thankful and will honor my donor by living a life that praises our Creator and recounts His glorious deeds. He is here for each of us - in our long or short days of life.

Without a doubt, I know God is at work here. I have been isolated since mid-December and spend extended periods in prayer. Sure, the questions of why me, why now, and why this come up. But I have to stop and say, why not me? Why not now? And yes, I accept this. Many people have health issues or other difficulties. Some are much worse than mine, which came unexpectedly and unexplained or have lived with them for a very long time.

None of us will dodge the cross God has chosen for us. He allows the tougher crosses when He knows we can handle them. And we should not compare but accept. We might plead, no, I can’t handle it. But because His grace is sufficient and always will be, and we can handle it. Without Him, no one could handle any size cross. He will be with us in every cross we pick up.

I tell you this because I hope it’s evident in all this rambling that I believe Jesus has the answer to life and death. I hear Him say, it’s the healing of my soul and preparing for eternal life I need to focus on, not death, as it will ultimately come no matter what.

God tells us, Jesus death is for our new life. He says, My Son is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He asks us to follow Him, even to the cross. Even with our own cross. And when we do, we will be taken beyond. So LIVE and LOVE and pick up your cross because then you know who you are following and where you will go! You don’t know when He will call you home. Be ready and fill yourself with a good LIFE!

And if you can, become an organ donor. I believe it honors God by a total giving of self to continue giving life to another. And we need more of them. Over 100,000 people are waiting in need of organs to go on living. You now personally know one of them.

This can go quick or take months. Pray I stay healthy in my waiting. I’ll fill you in when I can as we go forward. Subscribing to my blog makes sending updates to you easier for me.

God bless you. Cathy